The Beginning and the End

My life in the last 8 months has been all over the place.
I have had super happy times and really sad at times.
But that’s life right?
So my life really hasn’t been any different than the average Joe.

The problem is that recently I’ve been feeling like I am circling the drain
(Have you heard this saying before?)
Of being totally out of control with my life.

I’m not depressed, I’m just here. B l a h.

Emtional stress will do that to you.

So where am I ?

Here?

 But where the fuck is “here” exactly?

I have no one to blame but myself. Truely.
 I just am lacking the desire to choose a direction right now. I'm just floating.
Which would be a good time to start counsoling, so I've heard.

Big question, Where do I want to be? In my life?

Happy is what I want. Not stuck.

Where to begin. I need a change. I need to make a decision.

Well multiple decisions.  I need to shit or get off the pot and take that first step.

Normally I have all the answers. Not this time.
So much going thru my head. Analizing what and where I will be with my decisions.

The fact is that one decsion will lead to /or affect someone else then I have to make another decsion.

Too much thinking required here. It makes my head hurt. I freakin hate that!!!!!

And

As you can tell, I am now totally analizing all the shit, which is freakin stressing me out.
I freakin hate stress.

I just wanted things to fall into place, you know work out somehow. Magically.

Is that called "avoidance"? Maybe.

If that is the definition, then I have been avoiding making a decsion for quite some time now. Seriously who wants to deal with an unpleasant situation.
NOT ME!

I know that all of you want me to work things out with the sportsman.  That is so nice. and In a fantazy world our marriage would be different.

But damn it people I just don’t know that is the way things are going to end up here.

I am feeling the pressure. From all around to do the
 right thing. Again. That is how I got here in the first place.

But

What is the right thing?

The right thing for my kids? The right thing for the sportsman?
 The right thing according to who?

You?

My mom?

My friends?

God?

Isn’t it my decsion as to what is right for ME?
Finally, dont I deserve to be happy?
Sooooo which door is the right one?

Part of me wants to please everyone.
I don’t like to see people sad or disappoint them.

  However,

in the end its

 my life.

 I am the one who has to live it.

And if that means

 getting divorced

then that is what I will have to do.

I just know that I cant

and

 will not

continue to live this way

 any longer.

So please don't make me feel any worse about what I need to do(or judge me).

Just be supportive. During this tough period in my life.