Shrinkage

I seem to go thru these cycles in my life ( the good part is that I can at least recognize this) where I run wild for awhile and then I get to feeling guilty and I shrink back into my shell.
Damn that guilt!
Maybe thats a good thing, that I have guilt. In order to be pulled back to reality?






Also, sometimes your health just requires it to be so.
So when I say "shrink" that is exactly what I do.
That is what I have been doing for almost 8 years.
I have allowed the sportsman to take care of me, in more than one way. A lot of it was due to my illness and health, but mostly cause I just didn’t feel like being in charge or responsible for anything.  I just didn't care. I know what the outcome is with my disease. I don't pretent that I have for ev er.
So you know its just easier to float.
I am really good at that and thats NOT giving up. Got it!

It's not that I don't care about my kids, I just was indifferent to anything pertaining to ME.  No real opinion, ( I don't really catorgorize this as depression) I just let the sportsman do it all and he was ok with that.
That has been our marriage for 8 years.


Then this summer I started to feel good .
No, strike that I was feeling damn GOOD!
G R E A T actually. The best I have felt in years.

So where I am going with this is......
This summer I started reconnecting with old friends from High School. Then I started working out more at the gym. Then I started tanning. Then I went to a lot of concerts. Then I spent way too much time on FB. Then I started to run. And then finally I met this guy (that went to my H.S.).
I share the “guy” part cause it has a lot to do with ME finally enjoying life for a short bit.
Even the sportsman has said that I look more amazing now than I ever have.
(thank you sportsman)
Sorry to say that me being happy didn’t have anything to do with the sportsman or my family.


Sometimes the influence of someone new can change your perspective on life for the better. This person has really impacted my life in a good way. Wish I could keep him with me forever, but I just don't think that is possible.
and now of recent we know that it definately is not possible.


So this summer has been a blast. I can’t remember the last time I was truly this happy. It was a different kind of happiness.

Very hard to describe. I had very little stress, which is something new to me. I did not worry once about my health. Even things that I probably should of worried about I blew off. I wasn’t going to be bothered with such trivial things. Not while I was finally Living life!


So now that I have gone balls to the wall all summer (unlike years past), I feel almost like its time for me to take a break again.
I am tired/drained/worn down.
Running non-stop will do that to you.
Pretending your normal will do that to you.


Honestly, I don’t want the “fun” to ever end. So I will hold on as long as I can, before I have to shrink again.


I know the sportsman has had a tough summer dealing with the sudden change in me. And re-adjusting to the “new(but previous me)” more vibrant me. So, I sure hope he is flexable and can handle the return back to the women that needs him to take care of her again. That should make him feel good right? will that fix everything in our marriage? Probably not.


But
Isn’t that what a marriage is about? A partner that is flexable and that can roll with the punches?
I sure hope so.

Cause I now have traveled full circle. I am weak and run down.
I don't have any energy to make any decisions right now.


Only time will tell.
I don’t know where this will take me in my writing/blog.

So for now I will continuing sharing all the crazy shit that goes on in my head/life
and continue reading all the kickass people
who have now become what I consider to be "good" friends.

So heres to hanging in there till the very  e n d!