Just a Shadow on the wall

Forbidden

They call it the forbidden fruit for a reason.
Cause its NOT allowed.
It means viewing purpose only.



What the fuck, who really ever listens to that? Even with knowing what the consequences are. Most continue on.

Struggling

I am truly struggling today. It’s more than just a “funk” kinda day. I know it will pass.
I keep telling myself that, this to shall pass.

I was very apprehensive of writing about this for public viewing. I know “he” reads my blog and I know “he” is a very private person. I’m not here to hurt him or try and win him back.
I’m just not that kind of person. I know when to bow out and let go.

It's just I have to express what I am going thru in order to move on and get passed this sadness. Enough said? Yes

So

Today I havnet been able to get ”him” out of my fucking head.
I think back to the last time I saw "him". Seems like f o r e v e r.

About how it felt , waiting to see him. Those moments before. The excitement.

My heart racing with anticipation. As I sit here right now and close my eyes, I can still smell "him".

I can still taste his lips. I can see that sparkle/happiness in his beautiful eyes when we were together.

Now I wonder if it was all just me? Alone with my feelings.

I really enjoy his company, even though we don’t really have much in common. Opposites? Maybe.

He is a very special guy.

You ask then what is the freakin draw? I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on why the attraction. I just can’t explain it. It’s just a feeling. An over whelming feeling. You know the one.
The one that you can't say NO to.
The one that keeps pulling you back.

I have wondered lately, Is there really something there or is it just the thrill of ”it” being forbidden? For me? For him?

If it’s just the thrill, then why do I have feelings for him?
And why now is my heart breaking?

I knew this day would come. I just wasn’t prepared.
It’s similar to the death of someone, that has a terminal illness. You know they are going to die, so you try and prepare yourself along the way. However, when it actually happens, you are not prepared and it does not make it any less painfull knowing in advance.

The sadness is real.
It’s not like we had anything. It was just a “thing”.
That I allowed to get out of control for me.

I actively participated in this. I knew what I was getting into, and I chose to continue anyways. I just didn’t expect to fall for him. Did I mention how persuasive he is?

I let my guard down. You know, I’m a sucker for an awesome kisser and a big cock. Ha ha

He came into my life when I really needed someone. He helped fill a void. He made me happy.

Nothing wrong with that right?

All the while knowing that there would never be anything to come out of it. I still chose to continue on.

So I take full responsibility, for where I am right now.
It is no ones fault but my own. I just hate the sadness that I am feeling.
I know I will be forgotten and replaced by someone else.
 It’s just a fact.
I wish I could say I didn’t give two shits. But I do care.

So here I am.

Dealing with it.

Until the sadness goes away.