S t r a n g e r

After two days of being really sick, and lots of time to sit and think.

I still can’t stop thinking about “him”. I know, I know.

 I swore I wouldn’t write about "him" anymore

but................

I thought I knew him.

I knew we had the same appetite for sex.

I knew we even had the same taste in music.

We both have a love for dogs.

I know that he has a gentle heart.

I know he is a very private person (oddly enough I am not)

Doesn't seem like I knew much about him after all.

We weren’t married.

Even though you can be married to someone and yet never truly “know” someone. Right?

Was anything he said the truth?

I often wonder.

Or

Was it part of some game.

Was I just willingly playing along? Most people would rather believe a lie than face the truth.

I never thought of myself as such a person.

Was he just saying those things guys say to get you into bed? Again I went willingly.

If there had been more time or under different circumstances would I have gotten to know “him”. Would he have let me in?

Does it even matter now?

Was I delusional? Was any of it real?

The feelings I thought he had for me.

I claim to be a pretty intelligent women, but now I feel pretty stupid.

I really believed he cared for me.

Was he “that” good?

I am after all such an easy target. Since I want to be loved so badly, that I believed.

The not knowing is what really sucks.
It’s like unfinished business. I know a lot of times in life you don’t get the answers you seek. But it doesn’t make you want them any less.

The answers that is.

I know I have such horrible trust issues. 

I want love but yet I don’t believe when I am told I am loved.

Will the wondering ever go away?

Or

Will I still be hung up on him 10 years from now?

Wondering

Was it real?

Or

Just a fantasy?

And

Would I be ok with whichever one it was

Hmmmmmmm

That is the question.