Live Art Show

I had a great time at Comicpalooza last night. Here's a look at my finished Harley Quinn piece, as well as a few progress shots. My biggest fear was that no one would bid on it but thankfully they did and it sold for $95. Thanks to Jeremy from Titan Comics for the winning bid. Thanks also to the Art Love Magic crew (Michael, Mario, David and Deb) for having me out. It was also great to see fellow artist friends Samax, Khalid, Michael and meeting a few new ones as well. It was a fun night.

Check out The Hero Initiative.

Am I a Magnet for ..............

Am I a magnet for pain and suffering?
I wonder sometimes.

Why is it that "it" always finds me. I never look for it.
I'm kinda scared about being back out in the dating scene again. That it will open me up to get hurt again.

Am I just too nice? Am I too trusting?


What the fuck!

How do you deal with it?

Do have only flings?

Do share your fears up front?

Do you just shut down?
Enjoy the time alone.

Or

Do you just pretend that it has never happend to you?
Buck up little camper attitude.

Is it possible to eventually allow someone back into my heart?
After all the torture I have endured from past encounters. Even the most recently.

I don't look for it.

Do I trust too much? Since I believe in what someone tells me whole heartedly.
Does that make me dumb? Gullable? A Sucker?
Do men see me coming and think that I'm an easy target?

I am a strong person, don't get me wrong. I am very driven.
But sometimes a heart can only take so much before it just shuts down.
Does this make me defective?

I'm worried that being back out there in the market so to speak that I will get my heart broken.
Is that a bad outlook to have? I'm not even there and already I am worrying.

There is a good reason for my fear.

In case you have never experienced “it”, having your heart broken, let me share with you just what it feels like.
 A broken heart feels like someone has reached inside your chest and ripped it out.  
 It's very  extremely fucking painfull. 
and who the hell wants to experience that.
More than once.
In the end you are left with the feeling of what the fuck did I do wrong? 
What mistake did I make this time?

Don't I deserve to be happy ? is it safer to not experince love, for fear of the heart break.

Should I put myself back out there? Or should I just stop trusting everyone and protect my heart?
I don't want to grow old by myself.

How do you deal with the hurt inflicted by another? Intentional or not.

The Beginning and the End

My life in the last 8 months has been all over the place.
I have had super happy times and really sad at times.
But that’s life right?
So my life really hasn’t been any different than the average Joe.

The problem is that recently I’ve been feeling like I am circling the drain
(Have you heard this saying before?)
Of being totally out of control with my life.

I’m not depressed, I’m just here. B l a h.

Emtional stress will do that to you.

So where am I ?

Here?

 But where the fuck is “here” exactly?

I have no one to blame but myself. Truely.
 I just am lacking the desire to choose a direction right now. I'm just floating.
Which would be a good time to start counsoling, so I've heard.

Big question, Where do I want to be? In my life?

Happy is what I want. Not stuck.

Where to begin. I need a change. I need to make a decision.

Well multiple decisions.  I need to shit or get off the pot and take that first step.

Normally I have all the answers. Not this time.
So much going thru my head. Analizing what and where I will be with my decisions.

The fact is that one decsion will lead to /or affect someone else then I have to make another decsion.

Too much thinking required here. It makes my head hurt. I freakin hate that!!!!!

And

As you can tell, I am now totally analizing all the shit, which is freakin stressing me out.
I freakin hate stress.

I just wanted things to fall into place, you know work out somehow. Magically.

Is that called "avoidance"? Maybe.

If that is the definition, then I have been avoiding making a decsion for quite some time now. Seriously who wants to deal with an unpleasant situation.
NOT ME!

I know that all of you want me to work things out with the sportsman.  That is so nice. and In a fantazy world our marriage would be different.

But damn it people I just don’t know that is the way things are going to end up here.

I am feeling the pressure. From all around to do the
 right thing. Again. That is how I got here in the first place.

But

What is the right thing?

The right thing for my kids? The right thing for the sportsman?
 The right thing according to who?

You?

My mom?

My friends?

God?

Isn’t it my decsion as to what is right for ME?
Finally, dont I deserve to be happy?
Sooooo which door is the right one?

Part of me wants to please everyone.
I don’t like to see people sad or disappoint them.

  However,

in the end its

 my life.

 I am the one who has to live it.

And if that means

 getting divorced

then that is what I will have to do.

I just know that I cant

and

 will not

continue to live this way

 any longer.

So please don't make me feel any worse about what I need to do(or judge me).

Just be supportive. During this tough period in my life.

My Reading Stack

Between old Santy Claus and gift cards, I've got a crazy stash of books to read. And no, I've never read "The Hobbit" (or the LOTR trilogy for that matter) or "A Princess of Mars". Looking forward to both.

Tattoo Girl (Nudity)

This was a school project, and the task was to do a fashion illustration for a lingerie store. I did the lingerie at first, but then thought she looked much cooler without anything on her.

Some Figure Studies

Free Our Journalists

A school project I did last year. They are posters to raise attention for media censorship in some communist countries.